Monday, January 12, 2009

In a way, online courses are strange. When the term starts, you don't have to get up early and go to a classroom somewhere. You can stay home. The only difference is that you are filled with the vague feeling that perhaps you should be reading a textbook or doing an assignment.

The 4th and last term of my teacher credentialing program started today. I did some online reading and jotted down some ideas for the integrated unit I'm supposed to plan. I also sent off a couple of e-mails in an attempt to start organizing my time and planning for the next few months. I'm going to be student teaching in a fifth grade classroom this time. The teacher is a friend of mine, and we seem to see eye to eye on most things, so it should be a good term. Right now though, sitting at home, I find that none of it is a reality yet. I'm like that with vacations too. None of it seems real until the night before, when all of a sudden it hits me that I'm about to go on a trip or go do something fun and new. Of course, I was like that when my marriage ended too. It didn't seem real at first - not even after I'd moved out. Jen had told me that she wanted a separation, but not a divorce, so I took that to heart and was planning on trying to work through our differences. It wasn't until a couple of weeks after I'd moved out that she dropped the bomb. Not only did she want a divorce, but she was already dating somebody else. This particular moment still stands as the worst single moment I can remember having (with the exception of that Christmas 6 years ago when we thought Willow was going to be born nearly five months early). It was such a shitty moment that I haven't even written about it until now. In fact, I started this post with no intention of writing about it, but it just kind of came out - it just seemed to fit here. That moment still overshadows all of my interactions with her, and probably will for a long time. She has her own problems and resentments too, of course, or it wouldn't have ever come to this, but still... I don't know. It makes my sorrow over the dissolution of our marriage less pure than it might be otherwise, because now it's mixed up with less noble emotions like anger and jealousy. My protective wall has come up and where she is concerned, I've been more or less living behind it. I don't know if she still reads my blog or not, but I haven't read hers since that night in early October. The kids are still sad too. When they're all together, they seem fine, but whenever I spend one on one time with them, the sadness seems to rise to the surface. Just the other day, Sophie was in tears about not getting to see me enough - this inspired me to stay through most of her Brownie meeting with her, which ended up being fun. It kept me away from the house (I still watch the older kids there a couple of times a week), which is good for my state of mind. Nate continues to be more affectionate than he was when we all lived together, and I can tell he's sad. Alex is a little harder to read, being in middle school and all, and I've had less one on one time with him. Willow, like the other kids used to do when they would go to their dad's, is having a hard time with transitions. She tends to be weepy at the beginnings and endings of the weekends I have her, and it's sometimes hard to snap her out of it. My solution has been to spend lots of time cuddling her, and an equal amount of time getting out and doing fun things. She has even discovered e-mail, and spends time e-mailing her mom and friends. We talk a lot too, and it's really cool watching her start to figure out her world. I just wish that her world didn't have to have this trauma in it. Hopefully this will be a year of healing for all of us. Jen too - although I find that I just don't understand her sometimes, and she doesn't understand me. I think that's what got us to where we are today. So much for unconditional love.

Jeez. So much for a lighthearted little post. I guess I needed to get some of that stuff off my chest. It actually made me feel little better too.

Onwards.

1 comment:

Prettylittlecrow said...

We call that 'sweeping the toads out'. It is somehow uncool to comment on heartbreak, but that seemed relevant.

Thanks for the musical back-up. Not everybody appreciates such varied and complex layers of sound. I find that it helps to explain that this is the music that moves me. Most people want to be moved by music, it just looks different.

I most like music best listened to with my eyes shut, so as to catch as much as possible...music that breaks my heart, music with imperfect voices or none at all. Appalachian/homemade/non-traditional instruments win me over every time. You know, dulcimer meets brooding movie score. Who wouldn't love that?!

Congratulations on the closeness of your teaching credential. I see that you are a teacher already.

~L