I've always been good at adjusting to new situations, but I have to say that my newest new situation has got to be about the hardest I've ever had to adapt to. I feel like I'm out in the cold, while inside a warmly lit window, all of the joy and frustration of family life plays out while I watch. I know that this isn't completely true, but that's how it feels.

I'm now a visitor in my own home, not sure of where the boundaries lie. It's an uncomfortable feeling. In fact, it's incredibly sad.

In part, my facility for adjusting is why this whole thing happened. I'm more comfortable with adjusting to things than I am with taking action to change them. Life has always been something that happens to me. I seldom find the initiative to happen to life. It's funny how in my effort (or lack of effort) to avoid discomfort has resulted in so much of it.

At least I know the lesson here. That's the first step towards making changes.

I've been student teaching for a couple of weeks now. I'm finding that, under the cold, hard light of reality in a second grade classroom, I have to keep adjusting my plans to make things more concise, more simple. It's almost like relearning how to teach. It's that different from teaching fifth and sixth graders in the woods. The kids are sweet though, in that, "you've gotta explain things really simply to me," kind of way. I'm teaching a unit on folktales. I was quite ambitious with my planning at first, but like I said, I've had to throw most of my plans out the window and watch them get spirited away by the Autumn breeze. Not that there is any Autumn breeze. Still feels like summer to me.

And my bank failed, dammit! Good thing some other, bigger organization threw money at it and took over. I think. I'll be the first to admit I don't, and probably never will, understand the world of high finance, but it seems pretty scary out there right now.

Currently listening to: Bohren & der Club of Gore "Midnight Radio"

Oh yeah, happy Autumn! I'm still coming to terms with all of the non-seasonal changes in my life, so what the hell - let the season change too!

Incoming

Incoming, originally uploaded by Corbie.

Willow is asleep beside me on the bed. At the moment, I can hang my legs over the edge of the bed and type on my aging desktop. I may rearrange things, if I can. Things are a bit cramped here, but I like it (the physical space, if not the emotional one).

Willow and I went to the beach yesterday to take part in a little gathering of outdoor educators, masterminded by the one and only Scooby. It made me realize how seldom I visit the beach, even though it's only a half hour away. My sharpened sense of melancholy made me appreciate the cold waves and distant lights on a deeper level than usual. Of course, on the other end of the spectrum, I really appreciated getting to hang out around a blazing fire with a bunch of my coworkers too. My work is a happy place. It's also so much more clearly defined than my personal life.

Not that I need to be told what to do. I guess it's just that I'm more clear on what the expectations are.

I've more or less settled into my new routines. It has been a week now since I moved, and I'm also just finishing up my first week back as night supervisor at science camp. In addition to this, there's the additional kid-juggling that comes with being a separated couple, and my new position as student teacher a couple of mornings a week in Santa Clara.

It's funny, but when there's so much going on, it's harder to write about it. For this post, I'll stick with my work week. We had two schools up, and the kids were well-behaved 5th graders. A couple of them puked, a couple had fevers, and I pulled out a gnarly splinter from a girl's hand this morning, but other than that, it was a problem free week. The cabin leaders were all college students too, which raises the maturity level, but sometimes makes them less willing to follow directions. This was a good bunch though, and included the girlfriend of the cabin leader who was killed recently. I'm pretty amazed that she came up at all, given the newness of the wound, but she did it as a tribute to him, since it was a place he loved so much.

As for me, despite the decreased amount of sleep I get when working nights, it felt great to be back. The place never fails to make me feel better, no matter what I have going on in my life. Right now it is much needed, of course. The moon was full earlier in the week, and for some reason it brought out the owls in force. At one point, there were 3 or 4 owls all calling out at once, hooting back and forth from the darkness of the trees - except for the Screech owl who, of course, screeched. All my reptiles and other pets are in the nature lab at work now too, and are being enjoyed by countless visitors. I've been trying to get to work early to check up on them, and so far it looks like all of their needs are being attended to. It looks like I'll always be the one giving the python water though, since he has a tendency to strike at any hands entering his domain.

I haven't yet filed any change of address forms. It's on my mental list of things I need to get to when I have time. Ha.

My new mailbox is one of many, sharing space with 15 other boxes at the top of a column by the road, with the column sharing the parking strip with something like 12 other columns and a couple of large lock-boxes for packages. Oh, and the recycling bin where everybody stuffs junk mail. When I first opened my mailbox, I had to remove a cube of mail, composed of ads and mail addressed to at least 3 different previous inhabitants, and some for the guy who forgets to tell people that he has an apartment number. There was also a key to the lock box. Inside the lock box was a big box of wine. I handed everything over to the apartment manager. I wonder if she'll drink the wine. No, I take that back. I really don't care if she drinks the wine.

The whole experience made me think of the transitional nature of our lives. People come and go, and their mail struggles to follow, often getting waylaid by people not having time to fill out change of address forms.

We just don't have the time. We're distracted by more important things.

The moon was beautiful tonight, rising majestically and painted orange by the unmentionable mixture of particles that passes for air around here. Like everything else around me at the moment, its aesthetic effect was honed by emotional crisis. The hills at twilight, witnessed while I indulged in some spur-of-the-moment retail therapy (new Tess Gerritsen novel), were soft and purple, mysterious and unattainable in the distance.
I'm writing this in an actual journal - the kind made out of paper - for transfer to the blog on Tuesday, when my phone/internet service is up and running.

Jen and I have separated. I moved out on Friday, dragging loads of accumulated crap behind me. I'll be helping out with all four of the kids twice a week, and Willow will be with me when the other kids are at their dad's place. It's too early to tell how well they will cope, but under the circumstances, they're holding up pretty well.

This isn't a venue for details. Let it suffice to say that a lot of this stems from us both being non-confrontational and from me being oblivious a good part of the time. Make of that what you will.

The future looms, and right now it's full of uncertainty and a whole lot of work of every kind.

Current listening: irr.app.(ext.) "Cosmic Superimposition"

The kids all had the day off from school today so their teachers could have an in-service day. This makes it the second Monday in a row with no school. Of course, today I had to go to my own in-service day (the first of five this week), so I dragged all the kids along with me. Alex especially didn't want to go, because it meant that he wouldn't be able to get started on a school project he'd put off 'til the last minute. Once I got there though, he joined our back-to-work meeting, even to the point of occasionally contributing to it. Nate went and read under a tree, and the girls spun around in office chairs until they were dizzy and chased each other with squirt guns.

Later, looking for the girls, I discovered them in one of the conference rooms with nearly 10 little wax paper cups full of ice. Sophie guiltily looked up and demanded to know, "WHO TOLD YOU?" She then tried to blame the whole thing on Willow.

Willow, for her part, just kept eating ice.

I don't mind them eating ice, but I wish they'd eat it out of the reusable water bottles I'd packed for them. I guess that's less fun though.

I have a hard time maintaining things. Once I get to a certain point, I take a leaf from Julius Caesar's book and, well, rest on my laurels (so to speak). My life could be visually represented as a series of plateaus. Every so often, I realize I've been hanging out on a plateau for so long that the view has grown stale. This is usually when I start climbing towards the next plateau. Sometimes though, in order to shrug me off its back, the plateau has to fall out from under me. On such occasions, I flap my arms like a sad bird until I find a new resting place. You'd think I'd learn...

Take for instance the old template I've been using here since the dark ages of 2002. I realize that a lot of people hate reading light text against a dark background - mostly because they aren't afraid to tell me about it. I also realize that the comment link has been broken for ages, and that the old page took forever to load. Well, I just climbed off that particular virtual plateau and changed the template. I notice that my sidebar links have disappeared, but I'm not sure if people ever followed them anyway, and truth be told, most of them would be more at home over at my music blog anyway.

I'm pretty busy at the moment, with school and other things, but perhaps I'll tinker more when time allows.

We were driving past the cemetery today, something that almost always elicits a comment from Willow.

Willow: "Can we go say hi to the people in the cemetery?"

Me: "We could go there sometime, but the people are all under the ground."

Willow (exasperated at my stupidity): "I knoooow, but we could dig!"

The kids are finishing up their first week of school, and despite that fact, summer is still very much with us, with temperatures hovering near the double/triple digit demarcation line. Like I was doing near the end of last school year, I've been walking the kids to and from school, which at the moment means I'm walking at least three miles a day. The kids have pretty much settled into their new routines, with Alex going to the middle school and the three younger kids all attending elementary school together. They missed all being at the same school by a year. Willow has the same teachers that Nate and Sophie had (two teachers sharing a contract), and since they are good teachers, this is a good thing. Nate has the only male teacher. Someday, somewhere, that will be me, but at the moment I still have two more terms of school before I can get my teaching credential. This term, I'm going to be student teaching in a second grade classroom at a school in Santa Clara - one of the rare public schools where the students have to wear uniforms. I've already been there (yesterday, actually) to meet the students and observe the teacher. She's been teaching for decades, so I should learn a lot of new tricks. That routine doesn't start in earnest for another couple of weeks. I still have another week off work, followed by our in-service week, before all of the pieces fall into place around here.

Speaking of work, I learned some sad news yesterday, but first, an explanation. Our science camp and summer camp programs depend heavily on volunteers (during the summer, they're called counselors, and during the school year, they're known as cabin leaders). Some of our volunteers come back again and again, often appearing every few weeks and being incredibly flexible with their time, so they can jump in when and where they are needed. Occasionally they become staff, which means they actually start getting paid.

One of our most dedicated volunteers, Brett Lazzeri (aka Sea Turtle), was killed in a car crash in Reno on Monday. His girlfriend, Sunny, survived, but was injured - I'm not sure how badly. It's still hard to believe. He touched the lives of many, and I'm sure that there are literally hundreds of kids who would be completely devastated to hear this news. I know I am. My thoughts and energy go out to his family and friends, and I know his spirit will live on in the countless lives he's touched over the years.

My week as site manager/liaison for the symphony camp is over. I helped out with another small group over the weekend as well - a student council from a local catholic school. Bright kids - we played charades around the campfire as the full moon rose through the trees, and they were so good that it was as if a psychic connection existed between members of the group.

As for the symphony group - the California Youth Philharmonic Orchestra, to be precise - their Saturday concert was phenomenal. I can't remember the names or composers of the pieces (it was hard to hear the conductor when he announced them, and there wasn't a program), but all the practice they put in (sometimes waking up before 6 AM, I'm told, which is unheard of for the average teenager) paid off.

The day before, I took a bunch of them over to a nearby park to watch the annual free Shakespeare play. This year there are two different ones, each running for three weekends befores switching. We saw A Comedy of Errors, which I have to admit I hadn't seen (or read) before. The stage design was well done, and it was great just to sit and watch while the sky darkened. Occasionally, a bat would flit down into the light before darting off into the darkness again, making sure that mosquitoes were kept to a minimum. Oh, and the acting - it ranged from competent to excellent, although one of the main actors chose to model his character after Johnny Depp's Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean. Too obvious by far, and quite distracting. Other than that, it was a lot of fun. Willow didn't understand a word, of course, and neither did some of the younger symphony members. The spectacle kept them interested though.

I also led a night hike for them, helped out with a dinner in the park, and oversaw their campfire. Willow tagged along for the latter two events (with all four kids hanging out for the campfire), and was overjoyed that there was an elaborate jump house set up in the park. The woman in charge of the symphony camp paid the jump house people some extra money to leave it up a little longer so the symphony kids (along with Willow) could play on it.

This week, soccer practice starts for the kids. Jen has been buying them new soccer gear and back-to-school clothes, and they're all excited. As Dar Williams puts it, it's the end of summer, the end of summer/When you move to another place. Autumn always seems like the time to move ahead. I think having a job tied in with the school year helps divide each year into manageable chunks like that. Summer is a time of relative stagnation, and Fall is a time of regrouping and change.

Things are in flux at the moment, on all fronts. We've finished up six weeks of summer camp, and this week the kids are mostly home. Willow got some vaccinations today, and quietly cried about it. I took the girls out for ice cream afterwards, which the happily and messily ate, and then we got a movie at the grocery store, which they sort of quietly watched.

In the time since I last posted anything here, I've been to a wedding (one of my coworkers got married to his long-time girlfriend in a beautiful wedding at our place of employment), a play (Central Work's latest, an updated version of Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream, with sound done by my brother - very nice), and saw an old friend I hadn't seen in around 20 years. I've still been digging into my past in a midlife crisis sort of way, so it's nice to reconnect with old friends. This particular old friend is now a professor out in Boston. The last time I saw him, he was singing in an Arizona punk band called Desecration. It's a good feeling to reconnect with people, even if the meetings are brief and far between. We're definitely all grown up now.

I'm due up at camp in a couple of hours to lead a night hike for the symphony camp. They've been coexisting with our day camp this week, with me as the official liaison between the two groups. So far, so good.

Next month, it's back to working nights again. I've got to put in more classroom hours for my teaching credential program as well, but it should be easier with the kids all in school every day. I tried to get a day position with benefits, but failed again. It's just as well, I suppose, because I really should be getting in more classroom practice. I'm going to be asking all of the visiting teachers about how they feel about their schools and districts too. This will give me an idea about where I might like to work after I get my credentials.

Currently listening to: Sacred Blade "demo #1"

I'm at work right now. The rest of the family is over the hill, towards the sea, at a birthday party, near a burned patch eaten by one of the recent fires.

There's a fire here too, and music, and dancing. The Tian Hua I-Kuan Tao Foundation is having their annual summer camp at our site. Unlike our summer camps, this one lasts a mere three days. I got here right before they lit their campfire. The way they decided who was to light it fell somewhere between ceremony and game. Although, who's to say that a ceremony can't also be a game? Not me. The campers formed conga lines and danced to some chanting and music. When two conga lines met, a ro-sham-bo contest took place, with the loser adding his or her line on to the back of the winner's line. Eventually, there was only one big line, and the boy at the front received a crown and cape, and then a blazing torch which he used to ignite the waiting logs.

While watching, I had a moment of deja-vu. I think I dreamed something like this, where a fire was being lit and I couldn't figure out whether I was watching a ceremony or a game. It's interesting when lines get blurred like that.

Sometimes it doesn't make a difference. Sometimes it makes all the difference in the world.

(wait a second while I try to tack some meaning on to that last thought... I have a bad habit of typing things without thinking them through first, and I'm left with empty profundities)

Maybe it means that we have to choose what is important, and that different things are important to different people... that different ways of approaching life sometimes come into conflict.

I think I too often approach life like it's a game, without planning for how the game is going to play out.

(meanwhile, happy music plays in the background, accompanied by the sounds of people clapping and dancing)

Willow and I went and got a couple of new sleeping bags today. The kids' sizes were pretty damn cheap too. Now Nate won't freeze. The other one is for Willow - her sleeping bag is cloth, and prone to dew-induced dampness in the mornings. We also got a couple of princess-themed water/snack bottles for the girls (there's a compartment at the bottom for snacks), a new shirt for me, and um... a zombie movie. That's right, nothing but the necessities.

We're halfway through the summer camp season now. Every Friday, the kids come home worn out, filthy, bruised, and fulfilled. Today, Sophie had a big bruise on her hip from excessive hula-hooping. After I pulled into our driveway, Nate complained of feeling carsick, so he sat down in the shade on the front lawn to drink some water and wait for the queasiness to pass. I herded the other kids indoors so I could bathe the girls, but figured I'd better check on Nate before I got too wrapped up in the additional herding project required to actually get the girls into the bath. Sure enough, he was asleep out on the front lawn, his head resting against his backpack.

Part of the problem is his inadequate sleeping bag. Last night's sleepover proved to be much colder than last week's. It's off to the store I go to fetch him a better one.

Oh, and today the local paper reported that there's a measure on San Francisco's November ballot to name a building after George Bush. Normally, I wouldn't support such foolishness, but upon closer inspection I noticed that the building in question is a sewage plant.

Why stop there though? Picture this: The Dick Cheney tannery. It would definitely get my vote.

Currently listening to: Breathe Stone "Angels of the Four Winds" 3" cd

Jen's up in S.F. at the Blogher conference, being busy and productive, and hopefully having some fun too. The rest of us will be sleeping at camp tomorrow night, and then the three older kids go off to their dad's for the weekend. Jen gets back Sunday night, and the kids get back Monday morning, just in time to go to camp again. Somewhere in there I've got to finish some homework assignments (I still find it weird that I'm in school during the summer) and do some cleaning around here. Right now, I'm enjoying that wind-down time that falls between the kids going to sleep (not sure the boys are asleep yet...) and me going to sleep. I'm pretty tired too, so I'd better wind down fast. Not sure what happens if one goes to sleep partially wound.

Maybe springs snap.

I'm just starting my third week of summer camp. After having a big group of small kids, it's refreshing to have a smaller group of big kids this week - they're a bit more focused and don't need as much reigning in. It's cooler too, which counts for a lot. Of course, all of our kids are up at camp again. It's great that I'm allowed to bring them for free. It would literally cost thousands of dollars if I was paying for all of these weeks of camp.

Over the school year, I got so used to having my days free that it's almost a shock to not always have time to get to a lot of the basic things like cleaning dishes and clothes. In a way though, it's easier - I never have to stop and wonder what I'm going to do next. There's always a million things that need attention. I'm somehow managing to find time to do school work too. I've got a few more weeks of my 2nd term, and then a few weeks off (both from work and school), which I'm sure will be filled up with other things. For the present though, I'm definitely not bored.

Also, I've relented a bit in my previously uncompromising attitude about the uselessness of video games - Wii Fit is actually quite useful. I've been using it to work out for about a month now, and I'm actually seeing positive results. I guess it was only a matter of time before somebody invented something like this. Between all of the hiking and the video game assisted workouts, I should be in great shape by the end of the summer, as long as I can resist the call of free ice cream at camp. So far, so good.

Willow's First Camp-out

Willow's First Camp-out, originally uploaded by Corbie.

We're already at the end of the second week of the six weeks I'm working at summer camp this year. The kids have been going just about every day, with the exception of the very first day when the boys elected to spend the night at a friends house so they wouldn't have to get up at sunrise to get to camp on time.

Camp leaves them filthy, sunburned (despite constant re-application of sunblock), and tired, but everybody is having a good time. Nate is exercising his leadership skills to good effect, Alex is thriving, Sophie spends most of her time in the pool, and Willow is existing in a state of perpetual excitement, going on night hikes with me and hugging and high-fiving random people right and left. In the picture here, Willow is waking up after spending a night sleeping on the field with all of the other kids. Two weeks in, and I'm still honing my skills at simultaneously being and employee and a parent.

As part of my teaching credential program requirements, I got observed teaching a lesson (on the pollution tolerance index) down at the pond. Due to the 100 degree weather, my faculty adviser only stayed about fifteen minutes, but I guess she saw enough to evaluate me. I wonder what the other teaching credential students do when they need to be observed during the summer months. They probably don't jump into ponds with kids following behind like obedient little ducklings.

The temperature has been high over the last few days, but today it's cooler and breezy. Lots of fires continue to burn in California, and I hope the breeze doesn't cause them to jump containment lines. Things could get even messier than they already are.

Lately, I've been spending less time writing here, and more time writing entries over at my music blog. I've even written a few entries the old fashioned way - on paper. I feel that I'm at a crossroads of sorts. Many paths can be seen from there. They say the Devil hangs out at such intersections though.

Currently listening to: Diamanda Galas "Guilty Guilty Guilty"

Bloodshot Sun, originally uploaded by Corbie.

The sunsets in the Bay Area continue to look like scenes out of post-apocalyptic science fiction films, with the ghostly red orb of the sun looking more like a bloody moon. Needless to say, the air quality has taken quite a dive. Around the state, wilderness and non-wilderness are falling victim to indiscriminate fire.

Leafing through the latest National Geographic, I noticed that our fire woes have warranted an article there.

On a completely different note, I'm pleased to see that same gender couples can finally get married. In the parking lot of our local grocery store, I saw a car belonging to a newly wedded couple - in the window, they had painted, JUST MARRIED - AFTER 23 YEARS! Imagine having to wait that long. Of course, the forces of evil lurk nearby. On the way to the grocery store, there is a car with a "marriage is between a man and a woman" bumper sticker. The "man" and "woman" are represented by little icons which resemble the ones found on bathroom doors. I've often fantasized about vandalizing that sticker by replacing one of the icons with a farm animal, but have held back from doing so, either because, a) I'm too mature for such shenanigans, or b) I don't have any farm animal stickers.

Speaking of maturity, lately I've been delving deeply into the boxes of papers and junk that I left behind in my mom's garage the last time I moved (actually, two times ago, I think). It has sparked a reflective state of mind, the results of which can mostly be seen over at my music blog, since music occupies such a big space in my life (for good or ill). In some ways, it's almost like a second childhood, but instead of buying a convertible, I'm blogging about forgotten punk bands.

Amongst the music memorabilia, there are also a lot of school papers, mostly from my time at San Jose State. I even found a short, autobiographical piece that I wrote for a sociology class 19 years ago. Reading it was interesting, especially because in some ways, not a lot has changed. I'm a bit more nuanced now, but my basic beliefs are pretty much the same.

In the spirit of those people who read old journal entries in front of audiences, here it is, in its entirety:

Who Am I?

To whom it may concern,

Who the heck am I? Well, let's see... I'm a 21 year old male with hair that evidently looks like some redneck's sister's and a slightly protruding stomach due to excess junk food inhalation. I judge myself to be somewhat average looking.

I spend most of my time listening to music which most other people hate and reading horror novels which seem to disgust an uncommonly large number of people. I like watching bad Italian horror movies about zombies and maniacs wielding sharp kitchen utensils.

On the creative side, I like to draw, although I often find myself drawing icky dead people. I also like to write stories and poems, always keeping the subject matter appropriately grim, of course. However, I do like stupid humor and often liven things up with puns that nobody gets, which is good because I would probably get hit a lot if people got them. I also "sing" for an extremely noisy, yet politically/socially correct punk band.

I like unspoiled wilderness and I'm very upset with the rate at which it is becoming spoiled by human greed and ignorance. The government scares me and pisses me off greatly as well. I am what some people call "anti-American" because I don't believe in being fed lies and half-truths by people who claim to be working in our best interests. Sure, maybe our system is better than some, but I believe it still stands for a lot of improvement. People who believe the U.S. is perfect are hurting an already sick situation.

I am somewhat socially awkward at times but this doesn't bother me as much as it could because I'm not really out to impress anyone. I tend to like small groups of friends better than large social gatherings. I avoid parties, never drink, never take drugs, and don't smoke. I do, however, eat too much.

I am an accomplished procrastinator, never doing something today that can be put off until tomorrow. I have, however, been working on changing this aspect of my personality. Maybe tomorrow...

On the plus side though, once I start a task I always finish it quickly and efficiently (well, most of the time anyway).

I actively avoid anything mainstream. I hate trends and fads. I never watch TV. I am an athiest. I don't believe in telling other people what to do or how to run their lives. I hope George Bush gets hit by a bus, but only if it runs over Dan Quayle first. I seem to be rambling here, so I guess I'll stop. Have a nice day, if you want to.

Take care,
John

There you have it. Most of this still applies to one degree or another. I don't spend anywhere near as much time reading horror novels or watching horror films now (I've gotten a lot more picky). I also don't draw corpses for the sake of drawing corpses anymore - that was just a byproduct of my fascination with horror movies anyway. My feelings for George Bush are the same, even if the George Bush isn't. It's also interest to note that I started the piece above by talking about what I look like and what I like to do. I guess that's an indication that I first defined myself by my appearance and interests, rather than the deeper, more personal stuff. Of course, I usually don't dig too deeply in any kind of public forum, including this blog.

I got an 'A' on the paper, and the professor wrote, you are "one of a kind", John, at the bottom. Hmmm.

Back in the present, I'm at the end of a two-week "vacation", and I start working at summer camp on Monday. The people at Bethel Church hired me, like they do pretty much every summer, to bring reptiles and arachnids to show their little summer campers, and I spent a couple of mornings this week doing that. I'm still working away at getting my teaching credentials too. Time is just flying by, like I was warned it would.